NARRATOR: Previously on Nip/Tuck:
The tumor has spread to the supraclavicular lymph nodes.
- Give me a ballpark. - Six months.
- My best friend just told me that he's... - Dying? Actually have to say the word.
SEAN: Feels like I'm losing everyone.
I want you to come home with me, Lizzy. I want you to marry me.
MAN: I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Our lab tech switched your ID numbers.
Your cancer is in remission.
I wish you and your bride a long and happy life together.
ANNOUNCER: In 1987, after the infamous Black Monday crash...
... a new financial golden age was born, and along with it a new industry:
The luxury industry.
REAGAN [ON TV]: Three months ago, I told the American people...
ANNOUNCER: Newfound wealth coupled with easily available credit...
... opened the door to vanities and excesses once reserved for the rich and famous.
Since that time, the one luxury business that has always seen annual growth...
... has been plastic surgery.
Doctors Sean McNamara and Christian Troy...
... rode this wave of financial proficiency.
They suckled unabashed from the teat of a flush society...
... willing to spend millions on the new must-have status symbols:
- incompliant thighs and titanic tits. - When you're done with her lipo...
...start on her right breast.
Do you realize we're gonna clear a quarter of a million bucks on this patient alone?
[LAUGHING]
But, as in every fairy tale, there was a costly lesson to be learned.
The credit crunch hit.
Sean and Christian were not immune to the downturn.
Beauty is symmetry, Mrs. Praline. We're happy to do your tummy tuck.
But you're not gonna be bikini-ready until you let us augment your breasts.
We prefer to do more than one surgery at a time.
That way, you only go under anesthesia once...
...and your recovery time is considerably faster.
I told you, I've only got enough left in my home equity line of credit...
...to get the tummy tuck.
For Sean McNamara, a man wound tighter than a hummingbird's asshole...
... the financial stress was overwhelming.
He began fighting incessantly with his ex-wife, Julia...
... who now resided in New York with their two children.
French lessons and karate? Julia, you're over-scheduling them.
Well, then you're gonna have to start paying for it.
Sean's troubles were further exacerbated by his new girlfriend, Teddy Rowe...
... who seemed immune to the financial anxiety gripping the nation.
Can you imagine?
She had grown accustomed to her beau's largesse...
... and wasn't going to resort to trumpery...
... when it came to celebrating their six-month anniversary.
- Love them. - And how much are these?
One hundred twenty-five thousand.
Sean's anxiety ate at him like vultures on fresh carrion.
He developed a seemingly incurable case of insomnia.
Freed from his death sentence...
... Christian celebrated by providing the merchants of Rodeo Drive...
... with his own economic stimulus package.
Hot shit. Rock 'n' roll.
- Congrats, doctor. She's a beauty. - Remember, Jack, spending is optimism.
Sean and Christian weren't the only ones struggling.
Just home from their honeymoon, Christian revealed to Dr. Liz Cruz...
... that he wasn't dying of breast cancer and no longer wished to remain married.
I took care of your first and last at your new apartment.
Security deposit too.
If you want, we can go furniture shopping on the weekend.
- Just let me do this alone, okay? - Come on, Liz.
- We're still friends. - No, we're not friends.
I'm your wife.
Why didn't you tell me you weren't dying when we were away?
Why'd you go let me make a fool of myself?
I just wanted you to have a good time.
Oh, come on. I'm just being practical here.
I mean, it would be a perfect match for six months, but 60 years?
I mean, I'd be cheating on you within a week.
I don't wanna hurt you any more than I already have.
What do you want me to do?
- Thank you for breaking my heart? - No.
I just want you to understand that this isn't easy for me either.
I love you, and I'll never forget how you took care of me.
And this is how you repay me. Huh?
Former porn millionaire Kimber Henry...
... found herself tossed out of Ram Peters' silk-sheeted bed...
... with nothing but the realization that there's nothing less marketable...
... than an old whore.
Once again, she tried to reinvent herself.
So you do electrolysis now?
Well, I went to night school to get certified.
Well, hear me out.
Just say some lady sasquatch comes in for some lipo, okay?
You smooth her out, you make her thighs like porcelain...
...but she's got some hairs back there, and that's no good.
That's where I come in.
[MACHINE BUZZING]
Okay.
Look at this. It doesn't even hurt.
And I figure this is a great way for you to promote your business.
You're gonna have an on-site aesthetician...
...and I know what it takes to be camera-ready.
Kimber, it's a great idea, but business is too slow right now...
...to take on any new expenses. We can't afford you.
This was rock bottom.
McNamara/Troy, once the Tiffany's of the plastic-surgery world...
... was now like a malodorous whale carcass washed up on Zuma Beach.
The clients were gone.
With them went the money, and with that went the joy.
- What is this? - It's generic.
- We need to cut back everywhere. - Well, it's bullshit.
Christian, you're not getting it. We are in trouble.
I want my goddamn Yoplait.
SEAN: I just finished paying off last semester's tuition...
...for which you received no credits because you never took your finals.
Okay? Now, I have here your car registration renewal.
You have nine unpaid parking tickets.
And the credit card I gave you for emergencies...
...has several luxury charges on it.
Yeah, well, I can explain those charges.
Matt, listen to me. You need to pay back some of this debt. It's ridiculous.
You got $450 for some men's store called Emmanuel Delacroix.
No, it's not a men's store.
Emmanuel Delacroix is the number-one mime in the world...
...and he's here doing a once-in-a-lifetime master class.
What?
Yeah, my acting teacher turned me on to him.
Look, you know how they say when you find your bliss...
...is when the money starts rolling in? Well, I think I found it.
Mime is so amazing, man.
It takes us beyond our petty egos, beyond language, and unifies us.
It's a great art form.
Okay?
The pure, universal language of gesture.
Is this a joke?
Listen, Boxcar Willie, we can rent your room, okay?
So you either kick in, or you're out by the first.
Okay? So get off your unicycle or whatever the hell it is...
...that mimes drive these days, and get a real job.
You know, it's a waste of time trying to share anything with you two.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[PHONE BUZZING]
Hello? Mm-hm.
Really? Mm-hm.
Thank you very much.
- What was that? - That's Liz's attorney.
She's suing me for divorce.
[SIGHS]
I just never expected this from her. She's not greedy, you know?
Possessive maybe. Stubborn. Sloppy.
Christian, remember, the trick is not to get emotional.
It's our job to make a rational appeal to her better nature, and she'll...
Holy shit.
CHRISTIAN: "Holy shit" what? ATTORNEY: She hired Roger Payne.
With a Y, but the meaning's the same.
How bad could it be? The guy's blind.
So is justice.
Look, this is ridiculous. I mean, come on, Lizzy.
We can let the lawyers argue about this, or we can settle this as friends.
I mean, what do you say?
I never meant to hurt you.
You know, I think that you should be compensated...
...for everything that I put you through. L...
Here. I hope this is enough.
Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
PAYNE: Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.
Well, that should cover your legal fees, Mrs. Troy.
"Mrs. Troy"? We were married five minutes.
Well, in the course of those five minutes...
...Mrs. Troy gave up her residence and half of her income.
I thought I was dying.
Is that why you put everything in her name?
You what?
I was taking care of Wilber. I was trying to be responsible.
Well, I'm sure you'll wanna continue to be responsible...
...by settling with Mrs. Troy, 50 percent of all personal property...
...and half of your interest in McNamara/Troy.
What the hell are you smoking? She can't do that.
Can she do that?
Is it in her name?
Oh, I get it.
Oh, I get it. This isn't a negotiation, this is a gang rape.
- Welcome to California. - Jesus, Liz.
I can't believe you'd stoop this low.
- You're fired. PAYNE: Afraid not, Dr. Troy.
You can't fire her until the case is settled.
It's the law.
Well, come on, Lizzy, say something.
You should've gotten a prenup.
SEAN: It's cheaper not to fight it.
I just think you're in denial if you assume it's not gonna cost you.
There's nothing wrong with being in denial. Our whole careers were built on it.
Now, let's just forget about that crap, okay? We're just gonna relax...
...drink some beer, and enjoy the water for the day. All right?
What's all this?
What?
- They seized my boat. - You're kidding. What for?
You know, I missed a few payments here and there, but...
Jesus. They're saying they'll auction it off...
...if I don't pay the balance by the end of the month. I mean...
- You better sell it. - I can't sell it.
This is the only thing that isn't in Liz's name. I mean, Jesus.
You know, I might have to live here if she gets the house.
I'll take some money out of the business, you know, just to cover me for now.
If you borrow more, you'll lose your credit rating, then you're worth nothing.
Then I'll get some money from you.
Just front me six months for the rent on the Malibu house.
You know, now might be a good time to give you notice. I'm moving out.
Things have been good with Teddy, and we're talking about getting a place.
What?
MIKE: Christian?
Dr. Mike Hamoui was the Miami plastic surgeon...
... that Christian had not seen...
... since their homoerotic shower encounter two years ago.
Hey. I heard you guys were out here now too.
Mike, remember my partner, Sean McNamara?
Yeah, yeah, of course. I remember.
You know, I was just gonna take the Reverie out for a spin.
You guys wanna join me?
Hey.
- Nice boat. - Thanks.
Guys wanna get some grub?
- Yeah, sure. - Yeah.
MIKE: Yeah, I can go about 2000 miles...
...without having to stop in this bad boy right here.
Most boats, you know, go as far as, like, Cabo.
We went to Acapulco last year with the girls. It was a great trip.
- How many feet is it? - About 102.
Yeah, I was thinking about getting one this big...
...but they're a bitch to park.
True that. Gives the girls, though, plenty of room to spread out.
Sienna, honey, you're frying yourself again.
Go put on the sunscreen that I gave you, huh? Thank you.
So, Mike, you have your own practice out here now?
Yeah. After I sold Christian's condo and made a huge profit...
...I decided to travel around, become a pod surgeon.
I work for myself now, do surgeries. Just don't keep an office.
Man, do I love L.A.
I don't get it. A pod surgeon?
Yeah. I find a practice, and I pay 10 percent of my profit to use their surgery suites.
There's no strings attached. I have no overhead.
It's a win-win for everyone. Thank you, honey.
Only seconds passed...
... before Sean and Christian proposed a similar deal to Mike.
Bringing him into their business as a pod surgeon would help ensure...
- ... both their financial futures. - I think you'd really like this.
- Cheers. - Mike was happy to accept.
WOMAN [ON TV]: I know, every year, there's a new high-tech trend in exercise...
... but nothing can compare to the kettlebells.
They originated in Russia in 1704.
Obviously, the kettlebells are not a trend.
The beauty of the kettlebell...
... is that it's a combination of strength, cardio and flexibility.
We're short a small rake retractor.
- I gave mine back to Linda. Where's yours? - I gave it to Linda.
- Have any idea what the hell this is? LINDA: A small rake retractor.
- Oh, nice, Sean. - Oh, God. I'm sorry.
- I haven't been sleeping. I just... - I'm under a lot of stress too, right?
But you don't see me opening us up to a malpractice suit that could bury us.
Hey.
What is going on with you? Don't say "nothing."
The meticulous Sean McNamara does not screw up a tummy tuck.
I haven't been able to sleep.
I'm thinking about my kids a lot. It's Conor's birthday.
He's there, I'm here, and it sucks. But I don't wanna burden you with all this.
Hey. Nothing about your life is a burden to me, all right?
I love you.
For sleeping pills.
I'm surprised you have not written a scrip for yourself.
No, I don't wanna do that. Pills scare me.
I don't even take Advil.
Especially after I was rushed to the hospital a few years ago.
Ecstasy.
Yeah, I knew you'd like that.
Hey, there's a beautiful resort that's been renovated.
It's up in Ojai. We could go away for the weekend.
- It's only an hour away. - What happened to the girl...
...that didn't give a shit about all these conventional, bourgeois trappings?
Now it's all about weekends away, his and her massages.
Hey, I'm just trying to find a way to make you feel better.
If you're not interested in that, just forget I said anything.
WOMAN: Anything. I'll take anything. I just have to get in this week.
I'm sorry, but Dr. Hamoui is booked solid for the next two weeks.
His next available appointment is on the 15th.
- Mike, where's the couch? - Don't worry, fellas.
It's all safely in storage.
And this stuff won't cost you a penny.
Feel free to use it as much as you like.
Figured you wouldn't grab that doughnut with these machines staring at you.
We don't need anybody telling us how to take care of ourselves.
That's not why we brought you here.
I'm sorry. I'll have the equipment gone by the end of the day.
No, the equipment can stay, Mike.
What we wanna talk about is the 20 patients out in the lobby.
- That was fast, right? - What'd you do?
It's all about creating a niche market and then selling yourself.
Business 101, fellas.
You mind if we sit in on one of your consults?
Yeah.
- Will they be assisting in the surgery? - Absolutely not.
They're excellent surgeons...
...but I am the only doctor who lays a hand on any of my patients.
They're just here to consult.
Good. My friend Lindsay Thompson, she said you're the best.
She said her vaginal rejuvenation saved her marriage.
I remember Lindsay.
- How many kids do you have? - Three. All boys.
My youngest, Derek, he was a very hard birth.
I needed two episiotomies, and...
...well, things haven't been the same down there since.
There are thousands of women just like you out there.
That's exactly why I streamline my practice.
One procedure, done right, vaginal reconstruction.
It's brilliant. Do you realize most vaginal reconstructions...
...take less than 20 minutes to perform?
And they cost 15 grand a pop.
- No wonder he's raking it in. - We can do this, Christian.
We're better surgeons than he is.
How often do you and your husband have sex, Mrs. Brett?
I understand.
But you don't have to be ashamed.
I know this is unorthodox, but I want you to feel comfortable with me.
I have nothing to hide, and neither should you.
Lindsay said you might do this.
He's selling sex. We can do that.
Damn straight. I was in Playgirl. Okay.
Oh, it all sounds so good, but our insurance won't cover the procedure.
You think you don't deserve this. I'm sorry, but I gotta call bullshit on that one.
You just need to find a way to reclaim your sexuality.
Is there a better way than to make the tool with which you express that sexuality...
...look and feel the way it did when you were in your 20s?
I want you to know...
...this isn't just another surgery to me...
...and I'm not some high-school kid who thinks that every vagina is the same.
Yours is different. It's...
...special.
And I'm gonna get to know it, inside and out.
When's your next appointment?
We can't just start stealing his clients.
We need his 10 percent to keep the electricity on.
So we'll come to him with a plan, include him in on it.
We're the experts. He'll look like a novice next to us.
I'm telling you, there are hundreds of thousands of women who need this.
That's a lot of untapped vagina. How are you planning on reaching them?
Crazy Sean's cross-country gyno tour?
No. Better.
We need to call Kimber first.
Christian, wake up. Hey, hey. Wake up.
Jesus, it's 2 in the morning.
Just because you can't sleep doesn't mean I shouldn't.
It's on right now. Come on, get up.
WOMAN [ON TV]: Los Angeles, land of the beautiful people...
... where dreams always come true and fantasy is reality.
Where you're as young as you feel when your partner's inside of you.
- Yeah! - Yes!
Hi. I'm Dr. McNamara of McNamara/Troy Plastic Surgery.
These days, there are so many options for male sexual gratification...
...but fewer choices for our fairer sex.
I'd like to tell you about a new technique we've developed called the vaginal uplift.
According to Masters and Johnson, sexual satisfaction...
...is due to the amount of frictional forces generated during intercourse.
Sweetie.
This simple outpatient procedure restores the architectural integrity of the vagina.
It takes under an hour, and in just days...
...both you and your partner will be enjoying a whole new level of sexual satisfaction.
Hi. I'm Kimber Henry, actress.
Some of you may remember me from my work as an adult-film star.
After I retired, I gave birth to my baby girl.
I was having trouble reaching orgasm.
That's when I decided to go see the doctors at McNamara/Troy.
Tell us what you don't like about your vagina.
KIMBER: They were respectful, relaxed and informative.
They asked me to tell them exactly what I was hoping for...
...and how I wanted to look and feel.
And the exam was gentle and discreet.
If you call and book your consult in the next half-hour...
...we are offering a six-installment fee payable over the next year.
But don't take it from us.
Listen to some of our satisfied customers.
I felt a lot of shame when my significant other...
...told me that my vagina reminded him of a roast-beef sandwich.
But since my vaginal uplift, I feel more attractive and more confident.
And the bonus is no pesky incontinence when I swing that golf club.
I feel like a 20-year-old on the green again.
You guys are great.
Yes!
Yeah. That's funny.
- Right? - Yes.
It's a winner. Well done.
Okay, did you brush your teeth?
Did you get all that nasty cotton candy out of your mouth, huh?
Let's see.
Oh, my goodness. Have you ever seen cleaner teeth in your whole life?
No. Nighty night, sweetie.
Can we go to the zoo next week?
Of course you can. Aunt Lizzy's your buddy, right?
- Right. - Right.
- I love you, Auntie Liz. - I love you, sweetheart.
Okay. You go to sleep.
Love you.
Are you sure you have to leave so soon?
I made your favorite: Mushroom risotto.
- I thought maybe you could stay and talk... - I lied about liking your risotto.
Tastes like gruel.
Oh, well...
...maybe you could stay for a drink. Oh, come on, Lizzy, it's us.
- Don't you dare use that word. - Why? There's always gonna be an "us."
If there's one thing I've learned about life, it's that it's fragile.
Relationships like ours are rare.
Weird, but rare.
I don't wanna lose you. Neither does Wilber.
Come on, let's take the boxing gloves off just for a minute, for his sake.
I got a 1995 Chateau Mandeville.
- Is it expensive? - This is a 400-dollar bottle of wine, sweetie.
Well, then I'll take half of it.
- That's what I've always loved about you. - Is it?
Is that what you loved about me? My sense of humor?
Because it's been a long time since I laughed about anything.
You've pretty much wrung all the joy out of me.
Tell me what I can do to make it up to you.
Oh, you're gonna make it up to me all right.
- That's why I hired Roger. - I'm not talking about money.
That lawyer you hired, he's scum.
You think cleaning me out is gonna make you feel any better?
Yes, I do. And you know why?
Because you can't keep treating people like toilet paper.
You can't keep wiping your ass with them and flushing them like they're disposable.
I used to have such scorn for those women who fell all over you.
I thought they were all empty-headed bimbos...
...the way they'd cry over you.
But, you know, I see them differently now because I became one of them...
...and I am gonna stand up on behalf of all of us...
...because I am not gonna let it be so easy for you.
I am not gonna allow you to break my heart...
...and then not suffer the consequences. - Oh, stop being such a drama queen.
I mean, seriously. Your heart's gonna be fine.
Your dance card's gonna be twice as full now that you've discovered the joys of dick.
- Let's face it. - Face what?
Face the fact that yours truly here, okay, I found your G-spot.
- What the hell are you doing, Liz? - I'm wasting your money, Christian.
And to think I was such an idiot that I felt bad coming over here...
...wringing you dry.
Lizzy, come on, just calm down.
You know what will calm me down? A boat. Yours.
- Don't you even think about it. - Oh, you can kiss that goodbye.
And when you're sitting here and you're cutting out your little coupons...
...I want you to think of me partying on my hot, floating dyke bar:
The Les Boat.
Once we saw your infomercial on TV, we had to come in.
Yeah. Mrs. Hoberman, tell me what you don't like about your vagina.
Her vagina's fine.
- It's better than that. - Yeah.
We're here for Don.
Yeah, I want one of those six-pack surgeries.
Well, the surgical term is "abdominal etching," but...
Our infomercial was about vaginal rejuvenation.
No, I know, but you know the scene where you're playing volleyball with the other guy?
Dr. Hamoui?
Seeing you two with your shirts off next to him...
...made me realize how much I let myself go.
Move. Get out of the way.
Hey, watch it.
[PHONE RINGING]
What?
CHRISTIAN: I'm changing the locks by tomorrow.
You either pay your share of the rent by sundown...
... or you can sleep on the beach with all the other freaks.
What can I get you?
Small or large, Marcel?
It's $ 1.08.
You need 8 more cents.
No money, no coffee.
This ain't a charity. You can't pay, go someplace else.
Leave before I call a cop.
Let go, you freak.
Now you're gonna pay for that.
Okay, okay. You can have your dollar back. Okay?
Okay. Okay.
Here.
PAYNE: Dr. Troy, you do realize that your being here places me in violation...
...of the Legal Code of Professional Responsibility?
You recognize my cologne.
Just give me five minutes of your time...
...and if you don't like my proposition...
...you never saw me.
All right, you have five minutes.
I'll give you 250 grand now...
...and another 250 if you convince Liz Cruz to drop the case.
Dr. Troy, this is a breach of ethics.
It is against everything that I stand for.
Besides, it would take more than a tawdry bribe...
...to get me to jeopardize a lifetime of legal practice.
CHRISTIAN: How much, then? - Take off your pants.
- Excuse me? - My secretary tells me you're an adonis.
I'd like to know what an adonis sounds like when he jerks off.
- I'm sorry, what? - Masturbate.
Pleasure yourself in front of me...
...describing to me exactly what you're doing, stroke by stroke.
Once you bring yourself to climax, I will accept your offer...
...and I will convince Mrs. Troy that we cannot win the case.
Gee. What about your ethics code?
I don't think that this is covered in the ABA handbook.
Besides, I can always claim that I never saw you.
- So you're a pervert? - Dr. Troy...
...your proposition requires that I compromise myself on your behalf.
This is simply quid pro quo.
- Your five minutes are up. - Wait, wait, wait. No, no. Wait. Just...
- There. My pants are off. - Liar.
Don't worry, no one can see through the windows.
That's better.
Touch your dick, Dr. Troy...
...and describe it to me.
Feels great. It's very hard.
We're not in a courtroom now, Dr. Troy. I want more than just the facts.
Paint me a picture. How your hand feels as you touch it.
Take off your briefs. Let yourself breathe.
This is ridiculous.
I'll see you in court.
Good luck.
- You know, I did lose a case once. - Yeah.
But, unlike you, I wasn't able to make him take his pants off.
That's when I knew he had me.
[CHUCKLES]
SEAN: Let's look at the bright side, partner.
At least Mr. Hoberman's six-pack will bring in some income.
And maybe Christian can take his share and get a gym membership.
You gotta do something about that gut there, tubby.
- Liz, that's enough. - I know.
And isn't it great? Because I can say whatever I want to, and he can't fire me.
You know, Sean, I think when we're done with Hoberman here...
...we should turn our fat-sucking wand onto Liz's huge ass.
All right, enough.
Has it occurred to you the effect you're having on Switzerland here?
I stay up late nights, trying to figure out a way to help you two make amends.
Deal with your hurt feelings and grow up. I'm sick of this shit.
Okay, I am so sorry, Sean.
But from a medical viewpoint...
...this looks more like lumpy oatmeal than it does a Body by Jake.
Dr. Hamoui.
Could you come here and help Sean and Christian, please?
Hey, you guys got a patient of your own. That's awesome.
How may I be of service?
Could you please just lift up your shirt and show them...
...what the end result is supposed to look like.
- Oh. LIZ: Thank you.
ANNOUNCER: It was in that moment...
... that Sean and Christian realized they had lost the greatest luxury of them all...
... something more important to them than money:
Their youth.
- Give me a 20-blade. - What for?
I wanna cut Liz's tongue out.
Okay, here it is:
Aunt Dotty's famous garbage salad.
I hope Aunt Dotty's garbage didn't include coffee grounds and sour milk.
No. Garbage salad is whatever's still good in your fridge...
...plus fresh lettuce, hard-boiled egg, and a special lemony dressing.
This is really good. I'm not kidding.
It's good as a 50-dollar lobster in my book.
I don't know what I was thinking.
All my obsessing on expensive resorts...
...and honeymoon suites.
I would rather be here eating garbage salad with you on your balcony...
...than anything else.
You know...
...I was thinking about Christian...
...and his whole legal nightmare with Liz.
And, um...
...I don't mean to get ahead of anything...
Yeah.
- But, uh...
...I want you to know...
...I would sign a prenup.
I don't want your money.
I just want you.
But I would never ask that of you.
See, we're in this for love, you and me.
Christian and Liz had some unusual issues going on in their marriage.
Could you see us spending our lives together?
I could.
Sean McNamara...
...will you marry me?
Yes. I will.
While some more optimistic analysts...
... predict that the downturn is finally ending...
... this financial voice of authority believes it will be a long time...
... before Americans can sleep soundly again.
Dr. McNamara...
...I know what I want for breakfast.
Sean?
Sean. Wake up, Sean.
Okay.
Christian! Christian!
Christian, get up! Christian!
[ENGLISH SDH]